he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
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