I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
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