She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Randomize
