I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
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