tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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