I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize
