Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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