if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize
