dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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