i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
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