i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I'm getting married
To pizza
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
