I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
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