I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I just forgot I was standing up.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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