I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Randomize
