I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
It's blow job season.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Randomize
