I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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