Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
