nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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