youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
