Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I just found puke in my bra..
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
pray to the hookup gods
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Randomize
