I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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