Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
