my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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