you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Randomize
