dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
