The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Randomize
