We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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