if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
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