my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
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