I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
