I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
