I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
