why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
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