I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Randomize
