i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize
