I'm going to jail i love you
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Randomize
