im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
