How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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