okay pat passed out under dana's car
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
He did a backflip because drugs
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
