does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
