I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
