I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Randomize
