I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
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