If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
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