apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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