you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
