i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
