Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
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