Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
