haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Randomize
