i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Randomize
